there and back again

Faith-full

You give and take away
You give and take away
Still my heart will choose to say,
“Lord, blessed be Your name”

God gives us wake up calls through our most incomprehensible and “lowest” moments. He reminds us that we are naught but frauds in our own prideful self-image.  I don’t deserve anything, and God can give as freely as he can take away. 

Ah, and the beauty of faith is that it does not mean to be praising God only at the mountaintop, but to praise him in the valley too. “Because if God is the God of the mountaintop, then he is DEFINITELY the God of the valleys as well.”

True faith is not worshipping and praising God when all is well and when He is doing miracles. True faith is worshipping and praising God when He is “not doing anything”, when He is “working behind the scenes”, when prayers seem to go “unanswered”. 

Cheers to the start of what I hope to be a faith-full summer. 

2:40am

It is times like these when I have 2 extremely gross finals to take that I am able to fully appreciate God’s sustainability. He will uphold me. It is also times like this when I feel like I can’t possibly cram anymore into my brain about hominids and data mining, that I am so grateful and thankful for little notes of encouragement and pre-packed snacks. (: Thank you, Lord Jesus, for your support and continual sustenance. 

Almost there. Almost there. 

Floodgates of Humility

I am so overwhelmed with God and his goodness. I am so humbled to the point where I can do nothing but cry out my praise and my awe. 

Once again, He has broken me down and shown me how His fingerprints are imprinted all over my life. Once again, He has shown me what grace really means. 

Grace is something that I don’t deserve, yet was freely given to me. Grace is something that I never worked for, and something that I can never work for. Grace is not given because of my capabilities or numbers. Grace is given because the Giver chooses to do so—for whatever reason that may be. Grace is a gift that always points back to God. 

I don’t think I realized the magnitude of what God has done until tonight. I am so undeserving, and yet He has placed this into my lap, asking me to be a good steward of what He has given. 

And I am so incredibly encouraged by that. I know for a fact that He has opened these floodgates and affirmed me that He has great plans for me and the people surrounding me. 

Allow me to remain humble and to constantly be reminded of tonight. Enable me to be a good steward of what is given to me. Embolden me to love others in the same way that you pursue us. 

And when I am discouraged, I will lean on you for support. When I am discouraged, provide me with a community of support to turn to. They have faith in me, but I have faith in You. And I will boast in Christ alone. 

God is able.

He will never fail. 
He is almighty God.
Greater than all we seek, greater than all we have
He has done great things.

The final stretch is here. God, I ask for strength. I ask for humility. You are GREATER than all that I seek, you are GREATER than all that I have. And that alone, is more than enough.

It’s a beautiful thing when He supplies encouragement from the unforeseen.

Did you feel the mountains tremble?

Did you feel the mountains tremble?
Did you hear the oceans roar?
When the people rose to sing of 
Jesus Christ the risen one 

Did you feel the people tremble? 
Did you hear the singers roar?
When the lost began to sing of 
Jesus Christ, the saving one 

Nothing for Me

I need you, Jesus, to come to my rescue
Where else can I go?
There’s no other name by which I am saved
Capture me with grace
I will follow You.

This world has nothing for me.  

I am constantly reminded of the goodness of God amidst my “lows”.

Rez week was absolutely amazing. Serving on the performing arts team, outreach, and just being there—it was all a good experience. I really really liked the question boards that were put up. It was an awesome way to see our campus interact with each other, and many people’s voices were heard and made known. Some were encouraging. Some broke my heart. 

But, I think one of the biggest things that I have taken away from reading all the responses and just praying over organizations and people, is that everything we have and own now, is completely temporary. There is nothing in this world that will ever satisfy me. Nothing.  

There is not a job offer nor an internship; an officer position or straight A’s; the perfect family or relationship; the list could go on. I do not find my worth in my achievements nor the approval of other people. I find my identity in Christ. 

And this past weekend, a guy definitely showed that to me when I spoke with him at the AACMapella hospital outreach. He was so in love with God, so desperately seeking God in the middle of his pain and brokenness. It was absolutely beautiful to even sit with him and encourage him to continue running the race set out before him. 

Even though this week has been internally stressful, I must say one of the greatest joys was going to 7am prayer meeting at Wu tao zi’s place, JKSG (like always), and intentionally setting out time to spend with Him. He has shown me a lot through prayer, and I hope that I will continue to cling onto him as my source of life and my identity. 

This world has nothing for me. I will follow You.  

Concrete Jungle

I was in New York the past 4 days with ABSA. It wasn’t an easy trip, to say the least. “Spectacular” and “Amazing” are not words I would use to describe it. However, it was eye-opening. 

I went in already feeling sick, and I lost my voice on the first day. The plane ride there was also pretty taxing because I spent 2 hours talking to an executive vp about his company, beliefs, and motivation. After hearing his view on life, I had a serious look on reality. 

Why do people work? What makes them motivated to chase after awards, after money, after accolades? 

I constantly asked myself these questions throughout the trip. I wanted to ask the people I met from the Wall Street companies these questions as well. The first two days were actually pretty brutal for me physically and spiritually. I felt dry all around—my skin, my throat, my soul. I wanted to have joy. I knew people back at home were praying for me. I wanted to live up to their expectations, almost. But most importantly, I just wanted to have conversations with these people and genuinely be excited to. 

But, with a scratchy, barely audible voice, and constant feelings of fatigue, I asked myself, “WHY?” “Why do I have to lose my voice now?”

God remained silent for 2 days. As did I. 

During my silence or periods of “quietness”, I was able to observe a lot of things. When I could not speak, I could hear and listen to everyone around me. And, I saw a lot of things that I probably would not have been able to see otherwise. I think I’ve gained a clearer perspective and deeper understanding on the group/ABSA through the trip. There were moments of frustration and testing of patience, yes, but also, many many moments of compassion. 

Compassion. 

How many times in the Bible does it say, “Jesus had compassion on the people.” And a lesson that I felt God teaching me the past 3 weeks came back at me again during this trip. 

“Love me, and you will know how to love them.” 

I’ve done a lot of processing throughout the 4 days, and barely any rest at all. Our jam-packed schedules of adventures and getting lost in Harlem filled up the 24 hours pretty quickly. But regardless, it’s been a good trip and back. BOY, am I glad to be back in Texas where the weather is 30 degrees warmer, and the people are nicer. Also, I’m not constantly thinking about where to use the restroom (There’s no free public bathrooms in NYC)

So thank you, New York, for the concrete jungle experience. God, I know you are able to work through all things. 

Lord I come, I confess
Bowing here I find my rest
Without You I fall apart
You’re the one that guides my heart

Lord, I need You, oh I need You
Every hour I need You
My one defense, my righteousness
Oh God, how I need You

The train has not stopped running on its tracks. Every week, I tell myself, “This week will be less stressful because I already got _______ out of the way.” But, it really isn’t. Every day has its own surprises to rejoice in and to work out. 

Where sin runs deep, Your grace is more
Where grace is found is where You are
And where You are Lord I am free
Holiness is Christ in me
Yes where You are Lord I am free
Holiness is Christ in me

But, man. Praise God for the continual reminders that though we fail over and over again, his grace and his love is more. And, we have freedom in Christ. We are free from the chains of bondage. My chains are gone. 

So teach my song to rise to You
When temptation comes my way
And when I cannot stand I’ll fall on You
Jesus You’re my hope and stay
And when I cannot stand I’ll fall on You
Jesus You’re my hope and stay

Teach me how to daily rely on You. Lord, I know I need you.